tonight, i can’t help but to come back to this song and make these words into my own prayer… i feel restless. i don’t feel far yet i don’t feel near either. i am wanting but not yearning. i must search my heart. God, please search my heart.

———-

Search me know me
Try me and see
Every worthless affection hidden in me
All I’m asking for is that You’d cleanse me Lord

Create in me a heart that’s clean
Conquer the power of secret shame
Come wash away the guilty stain of all my sin

Clothe me in robes of righteousness
Cover my nakedness with grace
All of my life before You now I humbly bring

Potty Training & The Gospel

so… as most of you know, i am currently teaching at a pre school. i have twenty adorable 3 & 4 year old students in my class.one thing that kids this age go through is potty training. thankfully, most of our kids come into the class already potty trained. but… there are a few that still come in pull ups or even worse, diapers. so this new kid came into our classroom about a month and a half ago… let’s call him Johnny. Our little Johnny was not potty trained and was still doing his business in his pull up. his parents showed no interest in getting the potty training process started so my coteacher and i were doing what we can during school to get him to at least show interest in potty training. most of our kids respond to the praises/special treats we give them when they start using the toilet instead of their pull ups. and the fact that the rest of the class goes to the bathroom on their own motivates them to get out of the pull ups faster too. but…. Johnny over here had NO interest in potty training. and he poops like freaking 5 times a day too. and they smell. we would put him on the toilet so that he can go poop in the toilet but he wouldn’t. and then when we’d get him off the toilet and back in his pull up, he would poop right away. so my coteacher and i were getting SO frustrated… it really gets tiring you know, especially when other kids who are younger than Johnny already go to the bathroom independently.

anyway, last friday, right as I was to leave school to head to CFC winter retreat, i smelled something not so pleasant. yes. johnny pooped in his pull up literally as I was walking out of the class. i was sooooo angry. i was already super tired from a long week of work so i was pretty cranky too. i told johnny to go into the bathroom. and even though i am always supposed to be loving these kids, i definitely showed my frustration to him… i said “johnny, you know that poop goes in the toilet, not your pull up!!” as i was changing him and cleaning him up, i saw that johnny started to make this… really really sad face. he usually never ever tears up or cries but i could see that he was sad at my response. even though my heart broke a little and i felt so bad, i just did my duties and left.

as i was praying with worship team right before the retreat started, my heart was just.. burdened. i felt that i didn’t exemplify Christ at work that day and Johnny’s sad face was lingering in my head. and as I was repenting, it hit me that….. i am like Johnny. i make the same mistakes over and over and over again… and i never learn. and i know what is the right thing to do, just like johnny knows that poop goes in the toilet and not his pull up. and… how i responded to johnny was… frustration and anger. but i thought about how God responds to me as i make the same mistakes over and over. does he yell at me? no. does he scold me? no. does he show his frustration and annoyance at me? no. he loves on me unconditionally. yes there are times when he disciplines me because he wants me to learn and grow. but all of those are out of LOVE and not frustration or anger. my heart broke in thankfulness because God is not like me. and i repented for my ungodly ways of treating my students.

i know that God never disappoints us. but sometimes i forget that i never disappoint God either. even when i make the same mistakes OVER AND OVER, i’m never a source of disappointment to God. because he sees Christ in me.

crazy love. thankful. thankful that i get to receive so much character training through this job, even though it’s not exactly what i want to do in the future.

i gave a big hug to johnny the following monday and also committed to never ever show my frustration to johnny because of potty training. :)

14 hour flight

one good thing about this is that i can (or more like i don’t have a choice but to) disconnect myself from everything—family, friends, phone, internet, tv, etc—and think, read, journal, reflect, and maybe even pray.

ifffffff i don’t pass out within the first 10 minutes of boarding like i always do…..

this past week seemed so long. cambodia & korea. it felt like a very short but sweet dream. but now back to reality. back to my responsibilities and commitments. i wonder why there’s so much fear and worry in my heart about starting this semester….. i need strength.

En route to Cucunati.

the picture on top was taken by Rachel in 2009.
the picture on the bottom was taken by me in 2011.
Rach and i think it’s pretty crazy that we took
the EXACT same pictures.. literally at the same
spot and same composition!! we think we were
meant to be b/c of these two pictures. call us lame
but whatever you’re more lame. hahaha just kidding :)
isn’t it funny/cute though? we weren’t even friends
in 2009. puhahahahaha. just wanted to share :)

wherever I go.

i know i already posted on fb but… this is our new song! :) we were so blessed by this song @ IDENTITY retreat this winter. if you want the mp3, email me @ melthefob@gmail.com!!!!

let faith arise!

this song has been on my mind this weekend. an oldie that not a lot of people know… but since yesterday, this song’s been on my heart. such amazing lyrics. thinking about this week’s bible study through this song. great lyrics :) please read through.

(really crappy recording because i couldn’t find any youtube clips/recordings of this song :( excuse my awkward breath inbetween “your” and “standard” :) and also the very loud volume and clipping. you know me. :p)

Rock of My Salvation

Though storms of strife assail me without warning
Though they try to steal my joy away
I will find rest in knowing You have saved me
Precious Jesus Rock of my salvation

Though times I stumble and fall short of Your standard
I rest assured there is love enough for me
For I find strength in knowing You have saved me
Precious Jesus Rock of my salvation

Oh my Jesus Rock of my salvation
Who bore the weight of Calvary’s wood and shame
And cleansed my sin in the crimson flow of mercy
Precious Jesus Rock of my salvation

getatnance:

Truth (Taken with instagram)

Hahaha love it. So true. Let your failures motivate to be even more desperate for Jesus Christ!

i am sensing that many people, including me too, are feeling pretty discouraged these days… i hear about how they have failed or they’re not meeting their standards or they aren’t as on fire for God as they “should” or want to be.

i’ve been feeling like i’m just not where i need to be in terms of my Christian life lately as well. i feel so SLOWWWW in my growth. why am i still so prideful? why am i still jealous? why am i STILL LIKE THIS.

but as i am sulking in sorrow for how sucky i am… God reminds me of His promise.

“being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

yeah, the process is slow. but… i know i’ll get there someday. i know what He is doing in me is good and it will be completed the day i stand in front of my Savior, face to face.

be encouraged my friends :) our true maturity in Christian life is proven not by how many times we fail or not, but what we do about our failures. are you going to choose to stay away from God because you feel that you are unworthy, or are you going to trust in God’s promises and suck it up and go back to God for more grace? :) let’s fight!

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